turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The air was thick with penises
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
