If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
