my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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