Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
