The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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