I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
