Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
