What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
