So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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