told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
