I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
