I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
