I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
