So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Enjoy the penises
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