I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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