This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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