I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
