If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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