he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
