There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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