You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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