i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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