I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
