Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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