So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
