I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i think i just lost a toe
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