i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
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Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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