and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
