If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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