Your mouth is God's brothel.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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