So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
