last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
