I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
