I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
