I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
