I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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