mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
