RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
