And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
