You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
