He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
