There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
