Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
