i already hear my dad disowning me
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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