i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
