Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
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So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
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I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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