She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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