Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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