it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
