I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
