i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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