the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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