i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
