I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
